joannseo

it was something I took pride in.
something that I, myself could do, that was unique from everyone else.
it was the one thing that I could hold on to,
something that was “mine”.

but you stepped into the picture.
you always step into the picture.
you post pictures to gain attention,
you brag and say things to gain attention.

this was something I had for myself,
but you had to steal it from me.
you had to show off to the world-
and the world thinks you’re good at it,

the world thinks its yours.
what if i had taken photos of myself, like you did.
would they have acknowledged me first instead of you?
but thats the thing, i like to stay out of the spotlight.

you have so many things that people say you’re good at.
music, and art, from singing to drawing-
people praise you for your artistic adeptness.
but me, I didn’t seek praise with this.

it was a mistake letting this happen.
cause now, people are going to associate you with what was once my haven.
I’m sorry, but starting this moment,
I’m going to fight you. I’m going to stand for what’s me, and what’s mine.

<3 their unending and unconditional love never fails to amaze me.

I realize that I’ve been dwelling too much on the past and the future- who I was and who I’d become.
But as I do this, I live my life inside my brain, my imagination, a fiction world I’ve created for myself.

I’m wasting away my present by holding on to the past, dreaming about the future.

A day goes by while I sit around in a haze, reminiscing about the good old days in Georgia- Suzy, the Jusarang crew, F4/Seianzhalie. And then I’d time travel and jump to the future where I create different possible outcomes. In one fantasy, I’ll be living in Boston or California working as a successful producer, another one, I travel the world with different artists, working at their concerts and shows.

I didnt realize that life is in the now. In the present. But more than that, Christ is now. He was in the past, He is in the present and He will be in the future. I’ve been so focused on what my life was- the friends, the memories- and what it would become- my career, where I’d live, who I’d meet.

Rather than wondering where I’ll be in 5years, I should be wondering where I’ll be on my Spiritual walk with Christ in 5years and take steps to get there starting right here, right now.

I was talking to a friend earlier when I realized, the people I call my friends don’t know everything about me. So here is the opportunity to let you know what JoannSeo is made of.

I love watching movies- particularly superhero movies. Avengers was frickin amazing.
My favorite color is blue, but not any blue, a certain type of blue, like a dull, metallic periwinkle color. Then I like not-so-bright lime green, and mellow yellow :)
My favorite animal…. er, animals are dolphins, giraffes, elephants, wolves… pretty much anything other than snakes, lizards, sharks and bugs.
I love going to the beach, feel of the water creeping up my legs, the sand under my feet, and the fact that i could yell at the top of my lungs into the distance and not actually be “loud.”
Two foods I can never get sick of are 물냉면 (Cold Buckwheat Noodles) and 돈까스 (Pork Katsu). Yummmmmm.
I’m not a big fan of American foods, Italian is aite once in a while. I LOVEEEE Mexican- Chipotle and On the Border are both super bomb eateries. But my all-time favorite is Korean despite the fact I eat it everyday. Hehe xD
I don’t like reading books, but sometimes, there’s one that makes its ways into my hands, and then my heart :)
I enjoy going hiking on the trail behind my house, I haven’t gone alone yet, but I’m excited!
I like quiet alone time- especially in the car when I drive. But I do love a nice walk in the forest, or a stroll through the city :)
Summer and Winter are too extreme for my taste. I like Spring and Fall. Except Spring means too much rain… At least in Oregon.
Places I want to live: Boston, South Korea, Australia, and California.
I want to travel the world one day :D
I like collecting cups. Cute, pretty cups. Hahaha.
I also like buying/recieving new pens and pencils! But only if theyre cool!
I prefer writing handwritten letters to texting… if only it was as speedy T____T
Huskies are my favorite breed of dog. THEYRE SHO CUTE!
I am in love with Switchfoot. Hands down, my all-time favorite.
I own a phanny pack xD
My wardrobe consists of lots of neutral grays, whites and blacks… BUT, i am in the process of expanding my color palette.
My favorite actress is Jennifer Lawrence of Xmen First Class & Hunger Games fame, and my favorite actor is Jang Geun Suk. Both more for their talent rather than appearance, although I do admit Jennifer Lawrence if super beautiful <3
I go archery every friday :) It’s my new love.
My desktop background is a slideshow of superhero movie posters. Batman The Dark Knight, Iron Man 1&2, Xmen First Class, The Avengers, Thor, Captain America, and lastly, the odd one out… Hunger Games. lol, i had to. I love that movie.
Something I would do with my boyfriend- take him to a switchfoot concert.
My ideal guy is Yoon Doo Joon of Beast. If I were a guy, my ideal girl would be Lee Hae Ri of Davichi just because her voice is freaking amazing.
My favorite flowers are cherry blossoms. I know, you can’t really get me a bouquet of those. Hahaha xD 
I can genuinely say I am living a happy life.
My hobby is laughing, people think it’s weird if i put on a serious face.
My parents own 2 Hawaiian food trucks- funny thing is we’ve never been to Hawaii.. nor do i really wanna go.. If I were to vacation, I’d go to Italy, and Spain, and France, Austria, heck, all of EUROPE.

okay, well it’s late, and I’m running out of things to say. So goodnight my friends :) 

I’ve been filling up this journal with letters (from time to time) for the past year, and 6months.

I’m halfway through this small notebook,
and I’m wondering…
What am I going to do when I finish it?
Surely, I’ll start another one…
But what happens to this one?
Do i keep it for memories sake?
Or, do I bring it to you, next time I see you?
I mean, it’ll just end up in some garbage can,
Or soaked in the rain, slowly deteriorating…
And I don’t want that to happen.

These letters contain everything that I’ve experienced,
That I found worthy enough to share with you.
Funny, memorable moments, stories,
Pain, joy, problems and stresses, and praiseworthy blessings.
I want you to read them.
I want you to see what my life has been full of ever since.
In a way, these letters make up for
All the phone calls we’ve lost.

I’m kind of wishing that you hired some magician
To fool everyone into thinking you left,
But really, what we saw was a life-like dummy,
And you’re off in some other land-
Australia, or Alaska- you always talked about those.
And right now, you’re just waiting,
Waiting for the right time to reveal yourself again.
Waiting for the right time to say,
“Look guys, I’m still here. I just pulled a huge prank.”
And sure, we’d probably be a little mad,
But at the end of the day,
How ecstatic we would all be?

Of course, my imagination runs a little too deep.
I like to think that half my time is spent in reality,
The other half in a haze, or daydreams. 

Won’t you come read my letters?
So that they don’t simply get dusty on a bookshelf
Somewhere in my future homes?
Or that they won’t be thrown into some dumpster,
Or melted away by the rain?
Won’t you come read my rants about school,
And my raves about pointless things.
If it makes you want to come read it anymore,
I just wrote a letter to you praising the Avengers movie.
I know how much you wanted to watch it,
And sorry, that it was another promise unkept between us.
But I wrote all about it, so….
Won’t you please, please come read these letters?
 

Reading through all my Dear Suzy letters…
Re-experiencing the bitterness, the hatred, the sorrow, the heartbrokenness, the shock, the confusion….
But as time passes, the denial starts to evolve into acceptance- a good kind of embrace…

Oh how I despise you… Yet, oh how I miss you soooo much.

……You frickin shekki….
Just wait till I see you again! D: